


Undercover

by DeviWan



Category: Skulduggery Pleasant - Derek Landy
Genre: F/M, Gen, Serial killer house, what even
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-05
Updated: 2015-01-05
Packaged: 2018-03-05 13:20:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,139
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3121694
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DeviWan/pseuds/DeviWan
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"You told me we were going after a serial killer house! It swallows people up and days later spit out their clothes you said."<br/>"Ah."<br/>"But look at it! It's just an ordinary house."<br/>"We don't know that yet."<br/>What even is going on any more? Well, this is what happens when I re-read LSoDM. Can be read as Valduggery or not.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Undercover

"You lied to me," Valkyrie muttered darkly.

Skulduggery turned his head slowly from the little house they were watching and fixed dark eye sockets onto his partner.

"I did no such thing. Take that back."

Valkyrie glared at him, and when he didn't seem to be affected, she turned it back out the window. It was freezing. Skulduggery had the heater on, but it was still so cold and he wouldn't let Valkyrie summon a flame. No flames inside the classic car. That was the number one rule. The number one rule, back before he had met Valkyrie, had been no food inside the classic car, but Skulduggery had learnt quite quickly, and quite violently, that there was no standing between Valkyrie and her food.

"You're sulking," the skeleton detective said, a note of surprise in his smooth voice. "Oh dear God, why are you sulking?"

Valkyrie didn't answer him and instead glared harder at the little house outside of which they were on stake out. Silently she willed it to do something, anything interesting. Burst into flames, maybe. Or just explode. That'd be nice.

"Would you stop if I admitted that I lied to you?"

She shrugged. "Sure. What did you lie about?"

Her partner hesitated, his gloved hands loosening slightly on the steering wheel. "Uh," he muttered lowly. "I... Lied about how I didn't get you any food?"

"Really? So you got me some food after all?"

"Sure!"

"What did you get me?"

Valkyrie knew better than to get all hopeful. She knew Skulduggery, knew his nature (not the dark and twisted one, but rather the cheeky, mischievous one. Did this then mean that he had two natures? Was that legal?), but she was so damn cold and so damn hungry!

"I got you," Skulduggery said, blinding patting his pockets and fumbling to open the compartment box. "Gum! Yes, I bought you gum."

Valkyrie eyed the small packet extended towards her. "No you didn't."

"Yes, I did. It's right here. Take it."

"Skulduggery, you did not buy that for me. It's already been opened, and don't say that you had some because you were hungry. You're a skeleton, you don't get hungry."

"... So you're not going to have some?" Valkyrie launched herself at the small packet, rocking the car. She opened it, smelled it, and was just about to put one in her mouth when Skulduggery said, "Ah, wait, before you eat that, I think it might be of interest to you if I said that I bought that two years ago."

Valkyrie stared, wide eyed, at the purple piece of gum mere millimetres away from her open mouth.

"Maybe that's why it's purple," Skulduggery commented cheerily. His skull, well, it was definitely grinning now, instead of just perpetually grinning. "I distinctly remember it being pink on the packet when I bought it."

The Bentley plundered into dead silence. Then, with more force and violence than ever before, Valkyrie growled and threw the piece at Skulduggery's head. It hit him on his smug forehead, bounced back, and she caught it and threw it again. This time it landed in his left eye socket.

"Oh, that's charming," he muttered after a long stretch if silence, and all Valkyrie could do was burst into laughter. She laughed harder when Skulduggery moved to take the gum out, and it fell further down. In the end he had to unbutton his shirt and pull it out. "There, nicely done with my dignity intact, as usual."

Through her lingering giggles, Valkyrie told him, "I'm still mad at you. Not only did you lie to me, now you've made me hungry."

She turned her attention back onto the house. It was exactly where it was a minute ago.

"I'm still unsure what I lied to you about."

"You told me we were going after a serial killer house! It swallows people up and days later spit out their clothes you said."

"Ah."

"But look at it! It's just an ordinary house."

"We don't know that yet."

"Yes we do. You know how we know? Because the house is on sale. There's a sign right there, right in front of us and for the last hour people who want to buy houses have been going in and out, inspecting it."

"Oh, so you see them too. Good, I thought I was going crazy."

She slapped on the shoulder.

"Ow."

"Shut up."

"Yes, dear."

"Tell me the reason why we're here, really."

"I don't know what else to tell you. It is a killer house. When the sun sets, it gains a conscience, gets hungry and eats people."

Valkyrie frowned, intensely assessing her partner, before deciding to humour him. There was no harm. If the house turned out to be a killer, then they'd do what they normally did best and get rid of it, somehow. If Skulduggery was just pulling her leg like he normally did, then she would just sulk at him extra intensely for a couple of days. Either way, she won... Almost.

"Ok, so what happens when no one goes in there?"

Skulduggery's head tilted, a considerate look if she ever saw one on a skeleton. Then he quickly reached into his collar and tapped the symbol tattooed there just in time for a couple to walk past the Bentley, a couple of yards away. This time he had brown hair and brown eyes, same cheekbones. The sun was setting, the flow of people looking into the house slowing, but they still couldn't risk being seen.

"It would... It would go hungry, I guess."

Valkyrie nodded wisely. "Uhuh, and is there a chance that, if there are no people going in, it would go berserk and hunt people down to eat?"

"What a ridiculous question, Valkyrie. It's just a house."

Resisting the urge to hit him over the head, Valkyrie spoke through gritted teeth, unwilling to let him have this one. "Right, so we just have to make sure people don't go in there, problem solved."

"I'm afraid it won't be that easy. See that sale sign? It's been charmed. This house will draw people in, twenty-four/seven."

"Great."

"Indeed."

"You do realise that I still don't believe a thing about this case, right?"

Skulduggery sighed. "I'm not even going to try with you. You'll come around in a couple of hours, when we go in there, and the house tries to eat you."

"Alright then."

~x~

.SP.

~x~

"You're sulking," Skulduggery said as a skeleton again. "And I don't care this time, because I was right."

"Yay," Valkyrie grumbled, putting the seatbelt on with numb fingers. "A creepy old house just tried to eat your only partner, how wonderful for you." She sniffed her numb nose and reached forward to turn the heater up. Skulduggery backed the car out and drove from the levelled house.

He wisely chose not to say anything.

For a while the only sound they heard was the soft whirr of the car and Valkyrie sniffing.

She sneezed, rubbed her nose, and sneezed again. The heated haze that had come over her intensified and she found herself blinking rapidly against the traffic lights.

"Oh, God," she groaned. Her eyes watered and she sneezed, and then groaned even louder when her head throbbed. The adrenaline from the fight was wearing off and it left in its wake her aching limbs. Now, though, she doubted the aches were from the fight.

"What's this?" Skulduggery asked; his voice wary, as if he was just itching to move away from her.

"Ugh, you know what it is."

"Yes, but, it's you. You're the picture of perfect health."

Valkyrie smiled a little and leaned her forehead against the cool glass of the window. Skulduggery slowed the car down so her head wouldn't bump around, and the considerate act made her smile a little wider, her eyes closed.

"Would you like to go rest at your house?"

"Hmm? No, I don't want to worry the parents."

"I don't have a comfortable bed for you to sleep on, you know?"

"I know, but you'll make up for that by being very attentive and giving me everything I could possibly need to get over this cold."

Skulduggery paused, before speaking slowly. "Well, I suppose it is kind of my fault. I didn't even think about how this horrible weather would affect you, magical clothes or not."

Valkyrie was already losing some of her usual sharpness, for Skulduggery's words sounded horribly jumbled in her head. She couldn't really understand what he meant to say, all she knew was that she really, really wanted to sleep.

"Yes," she muttered, and hoped it made sense.

Sometime later she was aware, through a thick haze, that Skulduggery was trying to wake her by nudging her arm and speaking in his deep voice. She came around just long enough to wince at her headache, which has settled somewhere just behind her forehead, and grumbled, "Just carry me," to Skulduggery. And he must have done just that, because when she next came to, she was on the bed-that-was-once-couch Skulduggery had bought especially for her. Two blankets covered her, and judging by the shivers racking her body she knew they would soon not be enough.

"Skulduggery?" She croaked, wincing not from just the dryness of her throat, but also from the heavy ache in her head. Skulduggery came into the living room, putting his phone away into his pocket. "Who were you talking to?"

"Connections," he replied softly. "The mortal kind. They've given me a list of things to buy and thing to make you eat and things not to do to annoy you. The last one was a bit unnecessary; really, it's as if they think I would listen."

Valkyrie looked at him carefully, for a long time, under heavy eyelids. "I must be sicker than I thought. For a second there I thought you actually sounded excited."

"Oh, Valkyrie. It's as if you don't know me at all. How could I be even slightly excited when my partner in crime will be out of commission for the next couple of days, helpless and unable to defend herself, relying on wonderful little me just like old times? What a silly little notion. Who's excited? Not me. I'm not looking forward to this at all. Not even in the slightest. Valkyrie? Are you listening? It's rude to just fall unconscious, you know?"

God, he was such a goof.

She wasn't sure what woke her up the next morning; the burning dryness in her throat or Skulduggery trying to pry open her lips with the water he was manipulating.

"Ah, good, you're awake. I thought I might have to manipulate water into your body while concentrating very intensely on not making it go down the wrong tube and into your lungs. That would have been awkward. Thank you for waking up."

She groaned angrily at him, feeling too horrible to even try to speak. She accepted the glass of water handed to her and drank slowly, in small sips.

"Pills," she demanded, palm extended.

"Not on an empty stomach," Skulduggery replied cheerily. If he had a face, his lips would be in a wide grin and his eyes crinkled at the corner, smiling.

Valkyrie could only stare blankly after him as he disappeared into the kitchen, realising with terror that she really needed to pee, but was much too dizzy to even try to stand up. From the kitchen Skulduggery started humming, and she steeled her will and gripped the arm of the couch, pulling herself up. For a long moment she held on for her dear life as the world spun.

After she relieved herself she was in a slightly better condition, so she washed her face with cold water and changed into her spare set of pyjamas (which was just a large T-shirt and cotton shorts). She walked slowly back to her couch, pausing a little when she recognised the song Skulduggery was humming. She wrapped the blankets around her and curled up so that only her head poked out of the cocoon.

"What are you making me?"

"Soup, I hope. It came in a can."

Valkyrie frowned, offended for some reason that was far too complicated for her muddled brain. Or maybe she was grumpy. Colds do that to people.

"No worries," Skulduggery cheered from the kitchen, making busy cluttering kitchen noises just because he could. "The can looks to be in top cylindrical shape, therefore the soup inside must be edible."

"You would bet my life on that?"

"This is hardly a life or death situation, Valkyrie. At worst, you're only risking diarrhoea."

She didn't reply to that. Sometimes, with Skulduggery, words didn't hurt enough. So she waited. When he came waltzing into the living room with a tray of hot soup and water and medicine, she let him set it down. Then she grabbed his tie, pulled him in close, and coughed loudly into his eye socket.

Skulduggery, too stunned to move, remained in his bent position while Valkyrie smugly wiped her nose with tissue.

"Learnt your lesson?" She croaked.

Skulduggery sagged, his shoulders drooping sadly, and nodded.

"Yes, dear," he said miserably. "I'll be good from now on."

~x~

.SP.

~x~

She woke in the middle of a violent bout of shivers. Sharp pains ran up and down her arms, through her core. She curled up into a ball, the tightest that she'd ever curled into, but it didn't seem to help. With aching limbs, she curled her arms into her body, pressed there against her stomach and her legs. Her stomach was warm, and it warmed whatever part of her arms it touched, but her back was still exposed, and violent shivers continued to wrack her body.

"S-Skuldu-duggery," she moaned through clattering teeth. Her tongue was ridiculously dry, rough against the roof of her mouth.

There was no reply. Misery suddenly swarmed her and she thought about her mum. Her mum. God, why couldn't the reflection have the cold instead? At least it'll be near her mum, and her mum would make it all okay.

A warm gloved hand suddenly landed gently on her shivering shoulders. She sighed, relieved.

"I got you two more blankets," Skulduggery whispered gently.

"Tha... That won't help. Skulduggery I'm so cold."

"I know," he replied softly, laying the two extra blankets over her. Then, in a move that surprised her even in her cold-induced agony, Skulduggery scooted her towards the edge of the couch and squeezed himself in behind her, between her shivering body and the back of the couch. He was thin and didn't take up much room on the couch, but when Valkyrie wiggled, he circled his arm around her bundled up form and pulled her tight against his hard chest.

"You don't have any body heat," she croaked, not unkindly.

"I know, but you've stopped shivering so violently, haven't you?"

"That's because you're holding me so tightly."

"What you needed was someone to hold you still. Warmth has very little to do with it. By this time tomorrow you'll be perfectly healthy again."

"Hmm." Valkyrie wiggled a little more and settled her body into the curve of Skulduggery's. She calmed under the gentle touch of his chin on her head. "You won't get to play nurse anymore."

"How sad for me. Now, would you prefer a story, or a song?"

"Song. Too sick to comprehend story."

"And, let me guess, you want Me and Mrs. Jones again?"

"How'd you know?"

"Because the song displays my impressive baritone, and you're in love with my voice."

"You're delusional."

"Good night, Valkyrie, sweet dreams."

And he began to sing the song that has lulled Valkyrie to sleep countless times before. Skulduggery was right behind her, holding her, and Valkyrie has never heard him singing from this close. The effect was intense. She felt safe, like she always did when he was holding her, even when they were in the midst of battles. It was no surprise that she fell into a dreamless sleep.

~x~

.SP.

~x~

Skulduggery was gentle and attentive towards her over the next few days. He kept his teasing to a minimum... well, just a little more than the minimum, and he displayed a caring side of him that Valkyrie only knew about, but had never been on the receiving end of. It surprised her in a good way, but it didn't take much detective work to realise that Skulduggery blamed himself for her sickness.

Usually when he blamed himself for Valkyrie getting hurt, he would always find the one a way to release his anger and eliminate the threat, or get revenge. In this case, however, there was no enemy for Skulduggery to punch and kick repeatedly. The problem was in Valkyrie herself and the only way to destroy it was... well, to just get over it.

"Stop blaming yourself," she said one afternoon after calling the reflection and making sure that everything at home was in order.

"I'm sorry?"

"You're blaming yourself for me getting sick. I know it."

Skulduggery looked ready to argue, she could tell. He could deny that he cared all he liked, but she knew him. Knew the truth. For a long time she levelled him with her most impressive stare, and it must have been enough, because his thin shoulders sagged and he sighed quietly.

"Sometimes, not all the time mind you, I forget that you are... not impervious to all the same mortal threats."

"You forget that I'm not immortal?"

"... Yes."

Valkyrie blinked. That was... That was really sweet, actually.

"But I will be, soon," she said. "Just a few more years of being in danger of catching flues and then I'm going to be immortal and haunt you till the day we die."

"Oh thank goodness."

"What? I thought you'd argue about that."

"Why would I? You're of slightly above average intelligent, you're pretty and athletic, and you pretend to be a great listener when I'm speaking. Why would I not want you around?"

Valkyrie narrowed her eyes, not insulted, but also not feeling like she'd just been complimented.

"You're like a... Hmm, a dog! Yes, you're my own little pet. Man's best friend and all that."

She didn't reply and instead waited until the next bout of coughs built up in her chest. Then she beckoned to him. "Come here, Skulduggery."

"No thank you."

"No, come here. I have a surprise for you."

"My dear, I've had days to figure out your about-to-cough face, and that's what you're wearing now." He stood up, straightened his tie and took off running in the other room. "You'll never catch me alive."

"You're puns are the worst!"

Valkyrie took off after him, coughing loudly and messily all the while grinning.


End file.
